May 8, 2006

So, the entire class was devoted to talking about the exhibition that we put up while the play happened last Friday. 200 civilians came into the auditorium to see the play and we ushered them over to look at the art. The men stayed near their work and talked to the art viewers.

I asked them about some of the conversations they had. B had this amazing smile on his face- actually, they all were beaming- but B when he went into it began by just saying that this woman was very interested in his work and asked him a lot of questions. I mentioned to them that part of what sometimes happens is you repeat yourself over and over again and they all agreed that they had that experience when trying to respond to peoples questions.

J mentioned a man who worked as a programmer for IBM who talked to him at length this piece he did representing a head getting a lobotomy and J said that it really was about his fantasy of a computer program that could actually change a person’s brain- and while he was explaining it to the man- the programmer asked him if this meant that he was looking forward to getting out- and J said “No” but that he was looking forward to getting to the next way of existing, the next phase of life and reaching a new level--- it almost seemed that he was speaking about reaching a new spiritual state- but he was speaking of it through art. He said that at this point the man started crying--- and then I realized myself, that J is in for life- and I guess maybe he was saying that art was part of his new road to self realization. J has this amazing childlike look in his eye- the way he communicates- I know that he is almost 60 and has a grand child but there really is something more naive that anyone else even though he also is the most articulate. Its beautiful.

I asked if there were any problems that we needed to work out for future exhibits- because now that this went off so smoothly, we’ve been asked to do more- and we discussed the issue of getting things ready beforehand rather than setting it up at the last minute without much knowledge of what is going to go where. Then there was a weird verbal fight that happened between two men- which made me see a very childish side of them- J mentioned that he was upset with the way the play had not given credit to one of our artists who had done the set design work and one of the other men was on the theater staff and he said he felt offended because he actually was listed in the brochure.

Then B made a proclamation and said, “I want you all to listen to what I’m going to say. If you are going to do to anything, like all those people in the movie credits that scroll down, you have to put your heart into it and know that you might not get credit.”

The argument somehow continued between Bl and J and I kept trying to intervene so that they weren’t just going back and forth and I said, “one at a time” and crap like that--- and afterwards, J, after sitting there said, —( - who I have to say is really amazingly open- its almost shocking-) -- “look now, I want to talk again. I have been communicating very well- giving you eye-contact and sitting here and trying to present my opinion” to which I replied that I would much rather have people express their opinions and have them disagree than have people not express them- and it then turned into a moment where we just had to let this pass.

I took this opportunity then to say that I really had a serious thing to tell them and that it is that someone took a page out of one of the books I lent. I felt my face get red and I couldn’t give them any eye contact at all--- it was the one time that when I communicated, my eyes just couldn’t look at them--- it was really strange- but they demanded that I tell them who it was- and I said that that seemed pointless to me because it would just turn it into a big blame thing and I wanted them all to know that I couldn’t lend them books if this was to happen and it felt really horrible to make this statement of accusation- and especially when they had some good points, B said that he wanted to know because he wanted to know who he could and couldn’t trust- and I understood that point,,, and then P said that he felt like they were all guilty—and I said that I didn’t want to have this situation but that I wanted to share my books with them- and I asked them if I could trust them- and they responded, “no.” and I said, “ok” and I just moved on.

I wondered though if it means I’m just never going to bring them books and if they are possibly going to figure out amongst themselves who would have done it--- if it will create a new set of problems- but I could see the guy who did it- right there- and in fact, he had been making all these statements just a minute earlier about how he was in charge of the committee that would decide who got into the class – and apparently he said there is a 90 man waiting list to try to get in. Wow- it feels like something might be happening here if all these guys want to try to join- I don’t really know. But its exciting to know that more opportunities to exhibit have now come our way and I really expressed a lot of excitement about how well the show went.

I brought some pictures that I had printed out from Google image search after looking up “person” “man” “woman” just to get some images of people in order to have them for the summer project: to live with these people in the pictures and come up with something- a story, drawings, etc. I’m really curious to see what happens--- anyhow, they were really intrigued- and then they asked me if I ever talk to other artists about them- and if what happens in this class makes it out- and I told them that it does. I didn’t talk about this blog--- but its because I actually am feeling a little bit torn about doing it- and just documenting life in general this way – I don’t know if I like this experience of reliving things for posterity or something--- but regardless I told them that I thought about things they say all week – and I also mentioned that this essay Jn wrote about and artist Susan Hiller- that I actually contacted her and told her about it and she wrote me back and said that she’d like to read it- I also said that I wanted to try to bring in some visitors to the class next semester.

I told them about my fantasy of someday thinking of doing shows with their artwork alongside that of artists that are outside in the world- and I specifically thought to couple J with David Hammonds- if he’d ever agree to it- and maybe my friend Michael Queenland. That would be amazing--- I told them it was a fantasy and that there’s a good chance it wouldn’t be possible, but that I would keep up the hope and see what happens with more exhibitions.

On the train ride back, I read something that J had printed out an put into a catalogue I lent them of my friend Michael Queenland’s work- and J had the most amazing statement- going into great detail about how the piece directly referred to his own experience of depression and spirituality in isolation and then he ended it by saying, he has “the peace of knowing that I will eventually conquer and be the artist Rachel is discipline me to be.” Jeez--- it makes me nervous to think that I am “disciplining” him to “conquer” … such crazy terminology. Maybe I’m taking this too lightly- because he is looking to serve out a life sentence. I read it on the train back and I didn’t know what to think— I guess I still don’t. what am I even teaching them? To be like me???

I didn’t write this in the last entry, but after last week’s class- waiting out front I overheard two guards talking about how they would get away with a particular crime and how these guys in here just don’t think- and that’s why they get caught.