Another Day...
I felt quite a bit of
antagonism tonight--- not necessarily in a bad way, but just that the men are
getting frustrated with the way IÕm running the class- last time our long
discussion about the class structure left me feeling like what some of them
want is for me to just be this technical guide- and what I want is to really
introduce them to a broader understanding of art. Some of what they wrote in
their writings are so poignant, and things that would never have been written
before our class- ideas that are so open and great- primarily that you donÕt
have to be good at drawing to be a good artist.
But I have had a feeling that
there has been a lull for a little while. The fact that they donÕt like my
amorphousness- they want structure- and it might be because its what they are
comfortable with because their entire lives are regulated by the strictest
structureŃ and they also have these ideas about discipline which is something
that has probably helped them a lot, and when I actually try to put work out
there that requires a level of discipline- like writing 10 pages, they donÕt always
step up to it. I have also tried a very syllabus-led curriculum in the class,
but I felt like we could go a lot further and often it was the men revealing
what they did and did not want to learn and I want to bring what is most useful
to them, not what I think is entirely the best thing. Even though, of course
what I usually bring is things that I think personally are great assignments
and would be things that I myself would find challenging.
I guess itÕs a strange position IÕm in because I set up the
class to really focus on the ŅbasicsÓ of drawing. Because this was the easiest
way to get my foot in the door really. And then I realized I could actually
introduce new things and I think Š although I should ask them about this---
that this is much more exciting and that we are having discussions about things
much more expansive than just the technical.
I think its important for them
to know the techniques that will help them do what they want to do, but those
things exist in books and because not everyone is onto the same type of thing-
not everyone wants to be a classical figurative artist, and for me its more
important to introduce ideas which are totally new to them.
Last weekÕs class was devoted
to sharing ten pages of writing that I had asked them to doŃand some of them,
understandably, only got a few of those pages done- but I really wanted them to
get into that experience of just letting the mind put these ideas downŃideas
that float into your head when youÕre making art but that you might not really
lock down but ultimately form the basis of your own personal theory of the
world and of art- and I really find such beauty in this Š and mostly I feel
that it reveals a lot to yourself- about what youÕre going through and how
youÕve come to something in your own art.
I ended the class with another
assignment- to make 10 drawings without ever using a pen/pencil and paper. And
Bush clarified that I should say, Ņworks of artÓ and not ŅdrawingÓ because
thatÕs not the definition of drawing. But I said that I was allowing that
definition to be expanded because I have seen drawings that are not done with
these materials and IÕm interested in what they might do.
So they gave me their 10 page
writings for me to possibly pick out pieces and edit and I haven't looked
through them all, but based on what they read last week I think they should be
really great. Its hard for me to really understand what my expectations should
and shouldn't be- because for instance Gerald always says these ass-kissy
things like, "Because of my great teacher, Rachel Mason" and he did
that in his paper- and I pointed out that I donÕt like that- and that my
favorite writings were the ones where they just tapped into their own mind
rather than tried to look at themselves from the outside or make proclamation
type statements. I do want to put together a booklet of some of their writings,
and actually IÕm really not too happy with GeraldÕs and IÕm feeling bad though
because he always sits at the front of the class turned away with his eyes just
staring almost as though heÕs rolling his eyes at me- and it really pisses me
off actually-- I thought about saying something- about how I really donÕt like
that- but I have always held back with him because there are times when it does
seem like he tries- and I donÕt want to freak him out. But maybe I should
because it has created frustration for them that I havenÕt revealed what
bothers me and IÕll get into that in a little bit. I do get upset when people
arenÕt paying attention- to each other and to the class. That upsets me more
than anyone showing something that has ŅflawsÓ in it. I think thatÕs what IÕm
more interested in actually, is the way that they make it difficult to teach
sometimes- much more upsetting to me than anyone showing me work which has
problems in it. But I think if I were really to get into things that I donÕt
like it would actually be very intense- because after Bush got upset that IÕm
not saying what I donÕt like, I told him that I have a preference for performance
work and sculpture- and thing that most of them are really not very interested
in- so IÕm looking at their work but through a lense of it already not being
Ņmy bagÓ entirely either- and I wonder if they could handle me saying that.
Sometimes IÕve given out
assignments which no one does- and it freaks me out because I feel like I
really didnÕt explain something well or that it is just too challenging- and I
really want to hold them up to a standard- because when they actually try to do
these things they surprise themselves! That has been the case a good number of
times and it has been amazing when its happened. I want to even challenge the
Ņgood artistsÓ who feel like they are the ones who really know art- and IÕm
letting them know that I myself need to be challenged as an artist in order to
make better and better work. Bush has said that he thinks the best artists have
just cultivated their thing and really gone for itŃand I agree Š but that thing
that youÕre cultivating doesnÕt have to be just a drawing style. I brought up
examples of other artists who work with performance as their entire practice
and I think these are just as important to cultivate and ultimately if youÕre
just making your art and working a lot, thinking about it even, you are cultivating
it.
Anyhow, only one person did the
assignment I gave out, and it was actually mind-blowing. The assignment was to
make 10 drawings without ever putting a pen or pencil onto a piece of paper.
Juan really stepped up to this--- in fact- when I gave it, I heard him mutter
something last week about how he already knew what he was going to do.
He stepped up to the front of
the class and first put a circle on the side of his head- and referenced John
Baldessari's circles covering faces in photographs, and then he took a stack of
paper and proceeded to fold each one into a different shape- a person, a
flower, a church, a house. He showed each one to us and then in the end he
gathered them up and tore them to pieces, making the last piece of paper into a
broom and sweeping them into a pile which he then forcefully threw in the
trash.
After the performance- i was
aware of the feeling in the room-- and wanted to have a discussion about the
elements in his performance and break it down and we started and a lot of the
obvious things were said, and I explained that i saw a correlation to his other
work that involved a little sculpture with the world exploding- in a way as a
godlike stance-- and Jay interrupted, saying that he felt it took away
something to talk about the performance-- and it was better to just let it be
what it is-- and I agreed with him and it made me feel pretty stupid because I
even said, yes the really best art works leave you just dumbstruck and maybe
the best thing would be to sit with it for a week and then write something
about it.
But this led to the discussion
that really challenged my teaching --and I think that's probably a good thing,
because IÕm so new at this--- that I need to learn myself what does and does
not work.
Bush made it really clear to me that he had even written
stuff about me, and about how i am always saying everything is good-- and being
encouraging - and i tried to make the distinction that in a class setting i
think its better to encourage than to break someone down and especially here-
where i'm not looking for a finished product- and then Juan said that he felt
the difference was if you were asking to buy something- it comes down to taste,
but in a class its about learning. i thought that was such a good point.
I then said to the class- I
think it would be a good idea to try to make a performance and this is when
Bush really got upset. He said he didnÕt think he was really going to be
learning from trying these different things- and then he gave this contradictory
example. He said, you know the writing is something that IÕm working with now,
and I asked him if he would have done it had I not given him his assignment and
he said, Ņhonestly?Ó and let that word roll out for a long timeÉ in which time
I wondered , hmm.. maybe he had already been doing this for years in which case
maybe it was pointless of me to bring in that assignement, then he said, Ņno.Ó
So then I was surprised that he even used an example which illustrated my point
and not his and I said, so this is an example of trying something that is
outside of your comfort zone and getting something from it.
Ugh.. it was really frustrating actually because its both what I love and hate about Bush. I almost wish we had had this confrontation months ago but he wasnÕt in class. He is like this little kid almost- just pushing buttons and challenging me- and I am completely like him Š which might be why I even let the conversation be led. Maybe I need to just not entertain the conversation at a certain point, because I think about teachers who I could break down like this and it was always in its own way for me like a little game. How silly- because it takes away what they actually can give you.